Probably the most direct title for a blog post ever.
This post is low-key a follow-up to my most recent post. So if you haven't read that one, then I suggest you do before diving into this one... or don't - I'm not your mother.
But reflecting on that post and really starting to think about the kind of person I am and the person I want to be, it really made me think about something one of you lot said to me. And I say "you lot" because the person who said it might very well be reading this - if you are, hello.
But anyway, someone once characterized me as someone who "needs people to know that I am a good person." Or something to that effect. And it made me think of people filming themselves giving to the poor or announcing donations to charities. Because I really do believe that wanting to be a good person is intrinsic. You should want to do good things because it is the right thing to do, not because of how others may perceive it. And I truly do believe that the reason why I do most of the good or "nice" things I do is for that very reason. I don't think once in any blog post or any social media story have I ever tried to big myself up about any of the good deeds I have done. I believe that, but then why do I also think there was a bit of truth to what this person said to me?
And I think I do understand it. My impulse of wanting to do good is for the most part innately driven by my own beliefs and character. However, this isn't to say that I am completely blind to how what I do is being perceived by others. And I've written about this before, I do care what other people think about me. I think it's important to have some level of perception of how what you do affects other people. Having said this, I can also concede that there may be a certain level of vanity and ego also thrown in for good measure.
This comment originated from a conversation I was having with said individual about why I acted in a certain way. And of course, I like to think that most of what I do is selfless and coming from a place of genuine care, but also I am an unreliable narrator. I may slightly exaggerate or amend a story to make me be seen in a better light. And because I consider myself a genuinely open person and I often tend to have these discussions, it leaves me susceptible to maybe speaking about myself in a hyperbole that depicts my actions as more honorable than they originally were.
Whenever I do something, I do always think to myself "how would I explain these actions to someone else"? Because explaining them to myself is easy. I can do all the mental gymnastics in the world to make my actions seem a bit more thoughtful and selfless than they actually are. And I don't think this way of thinking is inherently bad or toxic. I think we should all be willing to defend our actions if they were ever put into question. However, this foresight can lead to a bit of tinkering... your actions start to be a little less intrinsic and actually a bit more calculated. You become overly concerned about how it will look to others and you try to ensure that everything you do can not only be genuinely explained, but explained in a way that makes you look like the good guy. Does all that make sense?
I'm not really sure of what the remedy to this is. I can only continue to act in a way that is in line with who I am as a person and try my best to be empathetic to other people's feelings and situations. Any attempt to explain this I believe does come from a good place, even with all the bells and whistles added. I don't have the perfect answer or solution. It's a multi-layered problem that maybe requires me to do a bit more deeper thinking.
However, at surface level and taking this for what it is. Does it make a difference whether I'm being genuinely nice or being nice for the admiration of others? Essentially... they look the same.
Sounds like the beginning of a villain origin story that does.
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