Where are all the years going?
I have learnt that when I am in my feels that is when I am most consistent with the blog posts. I know the last few posts may have been a bit depressing and "real" but if these blogs represent one thing, then it's my mindset at the time of writing. Before you get in a tizz, I'm doing okay. When I say "I feel like my life is over" I don't mean "my life is ending". I'm not here to trivialise or somehow suggest that I am in THAT state of mind... actually no, let me just say it, screw the stigma. I am not suicidal.
No no you can feel like your life is over without it ending... right? It's a weird place to be in, and its not something I feel constantly but the thoughts do permeate my psyche more often than I would like. I really hope that a lot of what I convey in this post at least someone out there can identify with.
You know what I've been thinking about a lot lately. You know when people say things don't have to be a certain way just because society says it should be that way. And to a certain extent I do believe that... but also... what if society is right? What if there is a reason why society teaches us these things and it's actually grounded in real science and logic. Now of course historically speaking society has been wrong about A LOT of things. But I also do believe that we can sometimes use this as an excuse for not achieving the things we want or rationalising the life we are living. And when it comes to age "we are told" that we need to achieve certain things by certain ages. I mean there's no charter saying these things I just think it's something in the ether of perception where we believe we need to reach certain milestones by certain ages. We need a house by this age, a baby by this age, earning this amount at this age and so on and so fourth. Now of course a lot of it is arbitrary but if we're talking logic or science then suddenly the ideal age for a woman to have a baby isn't arbitrary at all. But this isn't to say a woman can't have a baby later in life of course. So my point is, even if society is telling me certain things... what if I want to meet those standards because actually to me it makes sense and aligns with my own goals and life trajectory?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I'd be at age 28 I don't think I would've said I'd be where I am now. But that's not to say I haven't achieved certain things that I wanted to. For example, working in TV was a huge goal of mine which I've done, producing and writing my own films - I've done, travelling and spending extended periods of time abroad - completed it mate. And we should always be able to celebrate those small wins but you can't shake the myriad of things that you haven't achieved and thought you might've by this age. Did I expect to be single at 28? - probably not. Did I expect to still be living at my parents? - I don't think so. Did I expect to be earning more money than I am? - of course. And you start to look back on your life and try and pinpoint moments where it went wrong and why you're not where you thought you'd be. You start to think you've wasted time and you'd be better off if you made different decisions in life. You look at your peers and people your age who are seemingly more successful and wonder why you are not at that level. You sometimes resent people who are younger than you but who are further in their careers. Although redundant and irrational the feelings and emotions that come with these thoughts are very real. The self doubt creeps in, the depression, jealousy and envy. But the situation is two-fold right? Who's to say that someone isn't looking at you in admiration wishing that they were doing the things you are? Even though we shouldn't base our happiness on what other people MAY be thinking about us, it does give us a certain level of comfort. When I tell people that I go abroad to shoot videos they act like it's this big and amazing thing but to me it doesn't seem like a huge deal. But then I think about if someone was to say that to me - actually I'd think that was pretty sick. So it's not all doom and gloom.
It's not just from a career perspective though, even a personal one for some reason you just think you're constantly running out of time. For me personally I just keep thinking that I need to have certain things figured out by the time I am 30, putting unnecessary pressure on myself because I know for a fact that some things I want I won't be able to obtain. Some of that pressure does come from society because we all know that once you turn 30 all of a sudden people look at you different. You're now an ADULT ADULT not just an ADULT - you get me? Your 30s are supposedly when things should start all coming together for you. But of course, age is just a number, things don't all just suddenly change when you turn 30. You're still going to be going through the same challenges as you did when you were 29. And I do think there is a certain beauty in aging which I am trying to embrace a bit more. Every year that passes, another year of being alive, it is a blessing. Your place on this Earth isn't guaranteed so we shouldn't take it for granted. There's no point in worrying about something that is inevitable so the best thing we can do is just accept it and seize any opportunity we can to make it amazing.
The very real struggles you start to realise as you do get older is the sense that this is life and it is really moving. When you're young you are shielded from so many realities of existing in this world, part of you kind of assumes that you're going to live forever. Because the thought of being old when you're 10 just doesn't compute because it's so far in the future. And I think part of this is because life does in fact move slower when you're young. Adulthood is just about dealing with everything all at once, and when you're a child literally none of this is on your radar. Going to school, sitting in class being spoon fed information is easy. But when you're older, the people around you all start to get older, you experience death more and more and you really start to think about the fragility of life. You watch your parents age, you have children of your own but the thoughts of when you were young and how being in this position always seemed like a distant dream is now a dream you are literally standing in. And it can be scary.
But it doesn't mean your life is over, there's no end goal. You can't complete life. With every tribulation and victory another challenge is close behind. And whether you're 21 or 81 you're going to have to deal with it somehow. What is it in life that you actually want to achieve? Because I know part of why I am feeling like this is because I have a sense of inadequacy. I am not good enough, and this seems to be coming from a lot of different angles. But I quickly forget the situations where I know I am enough. Situations where I am building something, relationships, morals, a business and those are things that can stand the test of time. I just need to get off my arse and do what is required.
And here's the truth, when people say "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Of course it's just a question to ascertain what your goals and ambitions are. But life is crazy, it throws curveballs and just because you are not maybe where you saw yourself doesn't mean you are not somewhere just as commendable or more! I mean it is hard to compare but circumstances change, people change, you can try and plan out every moment of your life but reality will have other ideas. Embrace that, take it in stride and if you haven't "made it" yet or aren't where you want to be then there's always tomorrow - no matter how old you are.
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