How to process

I've realised the biggest non-advice you can give someone is "You just need time to process." And don't get me wrong, I've definitely given that "advice" to people. The sentiment is true, but it's like telling someone that to steal someone's information, you just have to hack their computer. Okay, fine, but how do I do that? And the more I think about it, I've never actually known what it means to process a certain set of emotions or a traumatic situation. And of course, different scenarios will require processing of different kinds. But what is actually required to successfully process something?

I've always just thought that thinking about it is a way of processing. And it can be, but also, this can very much do the opposite. Because the processing comes in the way you think about it. And in any given situation where you're trying to process an event and the emotions that come with it, you're going to think about it over and over again. What could you have done differently? You pity yourself because you wonder how it could've happened to you, you start to constantly be concerned with how other involved parties feel about the situation. And all this is okay and normal, but is it the processing you want? Because really, a process has to have an outcome. How do you eventually want to feel about this situation? What do you want the result of this "thing" happening to you to be? And asking yourself the same questions, wishing you can change the past or wanting something that isn't going to happen probably isn't going to get you the result you want.

And once you have that goal in sight, I guess that can then inform the way you begin to process said situation... right? I mean, not exactly. We're not dealing with something we have no emotional involvement in. And actually, a lot of the time we know in our head what we have to do, but our hearts don't let us. And the processing phase doesn't take place all in our heads. Actually, sometimes it requires action on our part. Maybe it means keeping more on top of our diet, maybe it means going to therapy, maybe it's something as simple as blocking someone from contacting you again. The action may not always be obvious, but it may be there somewhere.

And none of this is said to negate the effectiveness of thinking about a situation. And the thing about processing is that it takes time... as cliché as that sounds. You'll find that your opinion and feelings towards something will be completely different from one week to the next. And this can be a product of taking those actions, being more removed from the situation, or simply a result of time passing. And people will tell you that "you'll get over it eventually," and actually, I do think this is a fallacious way of framing the whole thing. Or... I guess it depends on what your definition of "getting over something" means. Getting over something might not mean you become okay with a situation. How can you ever be okay with a loved one dying or being cheated on? And I think it's okay to never be okay with that. Instead, the act of processing leads you to a place where you are able to look back on a situation and feel some kind of way towards it that is ultimately positive or doesn't hinder your functioning in the present day. And I do think with most situations you can reach this outlook.

Soon enough, when thinking about a loved one who is no longer here, instead of the fact that you're never going to see them again being your overarching thought, you look at it through the lens of the amount of memories you created with this person and the impact they had on your life. And I think it's important to remember that a lot of the time there are people around you that can help you process, whether it's directly or indirectly, and it's important to lean on friends and family to do this. There may be people also involved with the situation that can empathise. It's very rare that this emotional revolution can be achieved independently. Having said this though, a lot of it will come down to the individual and taking accountability for the steps needed to get you to where you need to be.

I've lived away from home ever since I went to uni really... albeit in spells here and there. And often being away from a place where I consider my emotional network to be, it does require you to be a bit more resilient and deal with situations more independently. Me telling my friend in London about an issue I'm having in Liverpool with someone he doesn't even know is very different from me lamenting about a similar situation in the same location with someone he may know vaguely. Does that make sense? But no matter how big our emotional network is, ultimately when we go to bed at night, we are always alone with our thoughts. And those are the times when we think more deeply about things, plan for the day ahead, and are honest with ourselves about how we are really feeling.

I know it can feel as though you move between these situations constantly, and there are times when you're trying to process multiple things at once. And always remember, it's hard! Fighting with your emotions isn't easy; taking the necessary steps to overcome something can be daunting. But if you're reading this, you're probably a lot stronger than you think. I can't promise that you'll get to the end quickly, or that you'll even get there at all (because I do believe there are certain things in life that will always have a profound effect on you and you will struggle to process), but what I can say with absolute certainty is that you're not alone. Whether it's people dealing with similar situations or people around to support you, your outlook will change, your feelings will evolve, and it may look bleak now, but it will look very different in time.

I am getting real tired of writing these kinds of posts... actually, I retract that. I am annoyed that I don't have more light-hearted posts in between these more introspective ones to balance things out a bit. I'm afraid I'm coming across as some emotional, sensitive bozo who has a lot of self-reflection to do. Well, the truth is that all those things are probably true.