It's not as easy as one might think.
In this digital age, we're more connected than we ever have been, yet there is an epidemic of loneliness and people feeling more disconnected than ever. I'm not going to claim to be a scientist and say that I have extensively studied and can give you a thesis on what I think the reason is. All I can do is chat pure and utter wham and hope that some of it sticks.
I joke about that, but honestly, I don't have all the answers, nor do I claim to. Instead, everything I say is based on my own personal experience and the things I observe in the world around me.
I'll be shocked if someone ever said to me that they don't feel lonely from time to time. It's part of human nature, really. We all want to make connections and feel part of a group or community because it's validating. It gives us a sense of acceptance and affirms to us that we are decent humans and there are people out there who like us. A lot of our core friendships are developed earlier in life, at school, university, youth groups, or whatever the case may be. And to tell you the truth, a lot of these friendships are built out of convenience and circumstance. If we're spending most days with the same people, then sooner or later we are bound to strike up some sort of friendship. Having said this, though, this doesn't make the friendship any less real. And back during these days, friendships were easy. We were forced to be in close proximity to people, so we had no choice but to see each other and hang out.
However, as you get older, what seemed like a life that you were sharing with your peers, you quickly learn that actually, everyone is on their own journey. Your friends can't follow you forever. You take different plunges, grasp at opportunities, and try to navigate the world as best you can. And life can take you to realms you wouldn't have dreamed. How many times have you seen someone you went to school with living a life that you never thought they would? It's shocking for people we're not close to, so imagine how it feels to people that we are.
As life grabs a hold of you, you have less time for the people you actually care about. The 9-5 takes a hold of you, and suddenly you're seeing Barry from accounting more than you see your own mother. And that realization is a scary one. Because life is, of course, more than just about work and grinding your arse off. Being able to chill with your friends, have genuine fun, is what life is really about, in my opinion. But these moments are no longer guaranteed. It dawns on you that actually, you have to actively carve out the time to see people.
And let me bring this back to me real quick. I'd like to think I am actually quite decent at maintaining friendships, and that's for 2... actually 3, reasons.
I'm a big texter.
I live between 2 different cities.
I value relationships VERY highly.
I always feel as though I'm accessible to people. I'm still fairly active on social media, still live (kind of) in the same town I grew up in, and I am very responsive on my phone. If anyone wanted to reach me, they could.
Living between Liverpool, where I work, and London, where my "life" is, means that anytime I'm back in London, I ensure that I carve out time to see my friends. Living in the same place constantly could mean you take it for granted, and you end up constantly putting off meeting up with people or making plans.
And if you didn't know this about me already, any connection or relationship I make with someone, I value it. Nothing is fleeting.
Put all these together, and you have a slightly emotional, a little bit sociable, and sometimes intense human being who just wants to hang out with his friends.
But not everyone is in the same situation as me. This whole thing is not that simple, and admittedly, I don't have all the answers - but there is one thing I do know.
Any relationship is hard; people are different. The way you maintain a friendship with one person isn't going to be the same for another. There are some people you can go months without speaking to, but you know that you can meet up with them at any time, and things will be exactly the same as when you last saw them. Some people require a bit more attention and may want to have regular catch-ups from time to time. And both are fine; the key is identifying what kind of person each of your friends is but also knowing what kind of person you are. Because all this isn't just about how you can be a good friend to others, it's also about how they can be a good friend to you.
Take stock, which of your friends haven't you chatted to in a while? Which ones could do with a check-in? I see too many people fall out and too many people willing to let good friendships/relationships go out of spite or pride. It's true that the real ones will show themselves, but this only comes with a certain level of dedication from both sides.
This is starting to become a long post, but I don't think I am saying anything particularly insightful or groundbreaking (because obviously, normally I am).
Actually… here’s your insight. Relating back to the rise of technology equaling the rise in loneliness, social media can make us feel both close and so far from people. On one hand, anyone is at the other end of a DM, but on the other hand, every post we see is a reminder of how other people's lives are straying so far from our own. And with all the negative impact social media is having on us anyway, I think it's important to try and reframe it as best we can. Being constantly connected to people on literally the other side of the world is a blessing, so use it. Every post and story is actually an opportunity to keep relationships thriving.
I will finish off by saying one thing, though. We all claim to be busy and that we have "a lot on," and this is often used as an excuse for why you haven't seen someone in a while. But in all my years of living, trust me, if someone REALLY wanted to see you, they'd make it happen.
NO ONE IS EVER THAT BUSY.
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